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Written by Madeleine
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Wednesday, 09 June 2004
My mother was very religious. She always had bibles around the house and she would listen to Christian worship on tapes most of the day. She didn't pressure us children though. My brother used to spend a lot of time down the garden, pottering about in the shed and became a gardener. He said that he couldn't bear to be in the house when Mom was playing tape after tape, but he did feel close to God through tending the plants. There is the saying 'you are closer to God in a garden than anywhere else on Earth'. I think this is where my brother was coming from.
I was different from Mom and Duncan as far as religion was concerned. Mom always seemed to be so obsessed with doing everything with God in mind that I felt like she was beating herself up over the fact that Dad had died. Duncan tolerated her and just became this really gentle person. I rebelled against it all, and went as far as being an atheist, which was a very big deal to Mom and Duncan as I refused to accept that my Dad was looking down on us.
When I was a teenager, I did the usual things you hear about rebellious teens... I wore too much make-up, flirting too much, I mouthed off to anyone who got in my way and I hurt a lot of people close to me. Looking back on it now, I can't believe it was me, but at the time, I thought this was a reasonable way to behave and everyone else was doing it wrong! On the plus side, my children tell me that I've given them a lot of good advice on a level they can relate to, so I guess the experience was useful.
Mom and I stopped talking for a few years, and I didn't call Duncan that often. Eventually, I didn't have any contact with my cousins and the rest of the extended family, so I was never up-to-date with the news.
Mom had become ill and Duncan had moved back home to take care of her. I found out that she was ill about three months before she died, and made contact again. At first, Duncan told me to stay away, but I convinced him to let me come and see her (even though I hadn't changed a bit, and wasn't hiding it).
Mom should have been in hospital, but she refused to go in, saying that we were old enough to take care of ourselves and she was too tired to go on without Dad. The next month was the worst month of my entire life. I was on such a guilt trip, to have not been in touch to know that Mom was ill, and to have left Duncan alone to cope with everything.
I cleaned myself up, and went to see everyone to mend fences. I thought I had longer to go with Mom, so I left her till last. I'd do it differently if I had that time again. To cut an even longer story short, we did make up and I helped Duncan take care of her until the end. I played her tapes to her every day, and read passages from the Bible when she became too weak. The words meant something when I heard them this time, but I just saw them as interesting stories about people.
The last night I had with my Mom, I laid down in the bed next to her and held her hand. She told me that I looked tired and I should go to my own bed, but I said I wanted to stay and make sure she was OK. I'll never forget what my Mom said. She told me to go off to bed because I was in Dad's place and he wanted to watch over her tonight. I reminded her that I didn't believe in any of that, but she stroked my hair and said that she wished I did believe, just for a day. I said I would try it out tomorrow. The next morning, I woke up and remembered what she said, so I half-jokingly decided that I would make a concerted effort not to judge everything that happens today and simply believe without question. Any little coincidence would be taken seriously as a sign from God, and so on.
Of course, you know what I'm going to say. I walked down the hallway in my pyjamas and saw that Mom's door was closed. When I opened it, Duncan was sitting on the end of her bed, sobbing his heart out. Mom was lying peacefully and wasn't in pain anymore. I blacked out, and when I came round I was lying back in my own bed - Duncan had carried me out of Mom's room - as I realised where I was, some blossom from the tree outside drifted in through the open window and landed on the back of my hand. That blossom had never come in the window before.
Make of it what you will, but the day when I decided to believe was the turning point for me. It eased my pain and I was thankful. After the funeral, we decided to go out and have a drink to Mom and Dad's memory. I just drove around and we stopped the car at the first place that looked appealing. We hadn't been there before, but we got our drinks and sat in a corner to talk. In fact, we ended up doing that every year on our parents' wedding anniversary. It was just one of those traditions that you set up when you hurt and want something to hold on to, and we kept it going even when we both moved out of the area.
Twelve years later, we came back to meet up as usual, and the pub had changed it's name to 'The George'. It was my father's name. The barman said it had been bought out and the new owner restored it's old name. I chatted with the barman for ages after Duncan had gone home, and we ended up dating. In case this story gets much longer, I shall simply say that the barman turned out to be the owner, and I turned out to be the lady he would marry! The people who bought our old house were very kind to allow us to hold the ceremony under the tree and we married in May when it was out in blossom.
Sometimes I listen to Mom's tapes, just to remember her rather than in praise of God. My children have taught me a lot about my own beliefs and filled the void that was created after Mom died and I had all these questions that needed answers. I sometimes wish I had Mom to ask as she was very sure of her spiritual beliefs, but I sometimes talk to the local vicar and she has been very helpful.
I do believe in God, but I don't know what he is like, or if there is a heaven or hell. I feel like I am catching up - all those years where I point-blank refused to entertain the possibility that I had a spiritual side. I tend to swing between confusion about it all, to noting a possible breakthrough and then wondering how it all fits together. To be honest, I don't think anyone knows for sure, it's just a case of decided how definite you want to sound to yourself as well as to others. My Mom did teach me a valuable lesson at the end of her life and I think that if she hadn't achieved anything up to that point, turning me around was something to be proud of. To think that a frail little woman on her death bed could finally get through to a mess like me says something about the power of her faith. I hope I can do something that amazing for my children. Two of them don't believe in God, and that is fine with me. I shall be as patient as my mother was with me, and let the light of my faith shine like a beacon. I may not know what I believe, but I do know that my belief is strong. I'm sure there are readers who can't understand what on earth that could mean, but there it is. |
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